Who is this Pirate King?

For the convenience of the students of the future who will undoubtedly be tested over this material, here's a simple time-line of my life:

 

The Basic Timeline of the Pirate King's Life

 

 

2750 B.C.
First recorded expedition of exploration from Egypt.

     

 

   

1973 A.D.
As there evidently was no room at the Inn, Rob "Pirate King" Ossian is born in a manger, somewhere in Texas beneath a brilliant star.

1980 A.D.
Rob sacrificed his only suction bow and arrow to build his first crossbow. Although crude and inaccurate, the experiment proves very successful, and Rob begins to become fascinated with antiquarian items.

     
   

1988 A.D.
I was hired into the performing company of Scarborough Faire in Waxahachie, Texas. I was assigned to a crew of Jolly Tars (English Sailors) and we explained the workings of a sixteenth century iron Falconette cannon and fired it four times a day. It was only a half pounder, but it made a lot of smoke and noise. The whole of Scarborough Faire was pretty unique. It was a Renaissance to the extreme, with every member's costume having to pass the panel we lovingly referred to as the "Costume Gestapo." The buildings, crafts, even dialogue had to be virtually identical to what you would have seen in a 1533 English coastal village.

1989 A.D.
Left the Jolly Tars to become a Seahawk. The Seahawks were the local pirates of the Faire. Bold, flashy, and armed to the teeth. No two costumes were allowed to be so much as similar, so we were always the hit of the Noon-day parade. We also did shows, sing-a-longs, and did performance art (Actually, all we did was get drunk on rum and let people watch us as we swore at each other in swarthy/witty period dialect). It was with this group I started squiring for one of the knights in the daily jousting.

     
   

1990 A.D.
I hear that a new business in town, Medieval Times, is about to open and they need show people. That in itself would not have gotten me there. What did, is that the show they performed was live Jousting in an indoor 1000 seat arena built to look like a Castle in the middle of Downtown Dallas. I was hired out of a few hundred applicants (I was the only one with prior squiring experience. Can ya believe that?) and worked for a year prepping horses, making/repairing swords, lances, axes, and shields. All our weapons were solid steel (I have the scars to prove it) and I learned allot about how weapons were and were not built while I was there.

1991 A.D.
I was hired away from the stunt work team at Medieval Times to do a different kind of stunt work at the Six Flags Over Texas theme park. I was hired to work in the Wild West Show by a guy named Chris Mason. Chris pretty much ran what I believe to be one of the best Wild West Show Companies I've ever seen called West Texas Productions. Their motto was "A Rare Medium, Well Done." Chris is an amazing guy. He's British (least of his accomplishments) has played polo with Prince Charles, been in an old west shoot out with Rock Star David Bowie, and is, in all honesty, a "Dude." He helped me out by giving me almost twice my salary at Medieval Times and being a great guy besides. Without him, after that summer, I probably would not have been able to...

     
   

1992 A.D.
Move To Austin! Home of the State Capital, University of Texas, and the largest native population of bats in the United States.
Don't laugh - 5 Million short-tailed Mexican bats flying around means that there are virtually NO mosquitoes in Austin!

1995 A.D.
I found out the full size reconstructions of Columbus' ships (the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria) are on near permanent exhibition in Corpus Christi Texas, and so I drove 400 miles every weekend to take a class teaching me how to sail them. When the class was over the people in charge of the operation offer me a job as an Instructor, teaching others about the ships. This was two years ago, and I am still the youngest instructor ever in the fleet by an easy 15 years.

     
   

1996 A.D.
Certified in SCUBA, joined the SUAS (Southwest Underwater Archaeological Society), and have worked on several digs in Texas. Some of them on dry land, a couple underwater. I also starred in my second play here at the University of Texas. Here's a photo of myself and some of the cast members. Also worked on the LaSalle Shipwreck Project recovering the French explorer LaSalle's ship Le Belle. Here's a photo of me on site. (It's been a really rough day!)

1997 A.D.
Well, I've been 24 for about 5 days now, and on the 8th of June (about 4 weeks from now) I start my new job. I'm working as a Staff Archaeologist on a dig site in the Red Sea. Our base camp is in Sadana, Egypt. We are excavating a 17th century trading ship that sank with a load of aromatic spices and porcelain. I'll post what I plan to do next as soon as I get back.

     
   

1998 A.D.
It's kind of become a Birthday tradition for me to buckle down and update this site. I've been 25 for about two weeks now and a lot has happened in the past year. I'm going to Egypt again in about a month to finish up the Sadana Island excavation. This is the last season, so it should be really intensive. Then, when I get back to the States, I'm moving to Florida so I can study Underwater Archaeology at the Florida State University in Tallahassee. I'm not really happy about living in a town called Tallahassee, but I'm pretty sure I can live with it.

I hope you enjoy the site and I'll try to update it when I get back in September.

2004 A.D.
Finally decided that I have had enough of all of the Wildfires, Hurricanes, Tornadoes, Shark Attacks, & West Nile Viruses that Florida offers on an alarming frequency.

Plans are put into place to move me back to the Greatest City in the World: Austin, Texas!

   

 

   

2005 A.D.
I got engaged - Read about the experience in the "Updates" section

2006 A.D.
The End of an Era comes to pass as the Pirate King is officially and legally married in the Hill Country of Austin, Texas. 

     
   

2007 A.D.
The Pirate King becomes a land owner!  Frequent Barbeques ensue...

2008 A.D.
Over the Winter Holidays, Rob's older sister Merit expresses some regret that she is not mentioned anywhere on the website, so this entry was added.

     
   

2,010 A.D.
Here's a glimpse of what I expect my life to be like around the year 2010, when I'll be around 35:
 The Future!
 

12,010 A.D.
And here's what I expect
my life to be like around
the year 12,010 A.D.:
The Distant Future!

     
 
Want some more Mental Abuse?

CLICK HERE to read the highly unauthorized Un-Official Bio written by the tabloids about me

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