Robert H. Ossian

"The Pirate King"
   

Born: Unknown

Died: Never!


Like many kids, Rob Ossian (the "Pirate King") came from hearty Southwestern stock. Texas, to be precise. But his parents aren't run-of-the-mill inhabitants of the Lone Star State.

No, sir. Hardworking Clair and Eleanor Ossian, who are responsible for the ever-affable yet big-hearted lug, have both refused to be interviewed, and when pressed, won't even admit Rob is their son. Leaving the dust of his simple upbringing in the 28th state behind, Rob embarked on his incredible journey.

First stop: Austin, Texas, where adult Rob was referred to as "The Man." There, Rob, while on scholarship, lent his fundamentally sound drinking skills to the University of Texas ROTC. In what Rob now refers to as his "learning years," he led the Big Sky conference in shooters and mixed drinks. Rob quickly earned enough credits to graduate from the school of hard knocks and was ready to enter the real world. After dabbling in the Oriental silk market, leading a band of National Geographic explorers up Mount Kilimanjaro and teaching comedy traffic school, Rob returned to the country he calls home. Once back in the Americas, Rob used his first-hand knowledge of sports, combined with his newfound expertise of fung-shui he learned from a Chinese warlord, and applied them to his career.

First for the Southwest Underwater Archaeological Society and PADI Dive programs in Austin, Texas, where he was instrumental in the creation of what he called the “Tequila Shotgun” which is still implemented by many divers looking for an easy way to claim mental disability. Then Rob worked as Volunteer Coordinator at the Caney Creek excavation in Caney Creek, Texas, where he oversaw countless numbers of volunteers sometimes numbering into the low teens, while also recovering several meaningless and historically insignificant artifacts, including a lawn bowling set with the croquet balls still intact.

Rob's unique ability to never have a bad hair day led him to Cain & Abel’s Bar & Grill, where he served as the "tall, funny" Bar-back on busy game days for a little over a year. But being seen by millions every night wasn't enough for Mr. O. His hard work, determination, and just being "good people" is what lead him to the hustle-bustle and hubbub on the isle called Sadana, Egypt. There, Rob's meteoric rise fit into his humble stride when he landed with both feet firmly on the sandy beaches of Egypt, a mere 200 miles from Caucasian hating militant Arab rebels, where his finely-honed Archaeological skills and Mother Theresa-like need to help others was put to good use.

These days Rob's time is spent enjoying the simple pleasures of Family, margaritas, fine cigars, sailing, and shirts-&-skins games of co-ed water volleyball.

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